Young and Beautiful

                      Will you still love me, When i'm no longer young and beautiful?
                      Will you still love me, When i've got nothing but my aching soul?
                                                         ---  'Young and Beautiful' by Lana Del Rey

For the sake of work, I have been surrounded by people who falls out of my age group. Wait a second, that is wrong, should be people who falls out of my generation or my recent generations. People I worked or working with have all seem to be lucky to have found their life partners. Most of them are blessed to be well-heeled enough to centre their complaints constantly on holiday destinations' weathers or how unfair the public school start to request their precious princes or princesses remain in their current uniform in such 'hot and unbearable' weather. 

Of course, there are also some not so lucky ones who are still in the drama of marriage or their relationships with their partners. They occasionally would like to spare some of their unused parenting love to me by giving the advice to urge me to 'live it to full when you are young' or 'do whatever you want while you are young' or such. After giving the precious advice, there would normally followed by a long gaze at me, from which I can sense a mix of regrets, a bit of jealous, and might be some voices from them pounding themselves 'what the hell I was doing when I was young'. 

Well, as in the early 20s, I find myself taking this pierce of gold advice in a mix of feelings as well. To start with, I know that how good it is to be young, as if the world is in your hand at your service and you can play it as a game as wild as you could and F*** it up every single way you like to. Recently at a restaurant at central London where the waiter put me and my friend to a table where a pair of strangers were at. They claimed to be a pair of uncle and nephew, which my gut feeling told me that they were a pimp and an escort (do not ask me why, but to give a bit taste, they spoke to each in English with different strong accents). At the table, we were barely looking into each other until a comment came out from nowhere 'you are not a real vegetarian when you are partying and having 6 every single day, you had much more meat than I ever had'. When I heard this, I, obviously, nearly had a rib fallen out of my mouth, but I immediately wanted to congratulate the nephew for 1) having a seemed satisfactory and fulfilling sex life 2) a big thank you for sharing this moving and exciting news to us two strangers at dinner and 3) by enjoying meat on a daily basis, I hope he realised now how pointless of being a vegetarian was. After the eye opener comment, the conversations broke out naturally between us and them, guess no harm to have a few words more since we had already passed 'how's your sex life' greetings. At that table, however, I was the one who had a mix feeling of regret and jealous to the nephew as he is living a life at my age that I dare not to, he is young and beautiful, and he is partying and getting laid everyday, he has it all.

I could have it all as well. So why the hell am not doing it. There are many reasons why, but one of the reasons might be I guess am waiting for an opportunity to play it wilder. I guess I do not want to just settle for some mundane parties but aiming for proper sprees after achieving something, something nice, meaningful, satisfactory and worth celebration. Maybe. But if that does not happen, does it mean that I then lost all my chances to have fun when I could? Oh, let's stay away from that question...

Couple of months ago I had been getting to know a boy of my age who, according to him, was an orphan and had been bouncing between adopting families. I believed that, so I felt very sorry for him (however I do have a little bit doubt of his story). We met over an mobile app and started chatting for a few weeks as we share many common interests. Then we moved on to pub, and after a few drinks I even took him to join me at a after-work drinks with some of my mates from university. We had one or two intimate occasions after a few nights out with other people partying and clubbing, and he has been having the 'have it all' lifestyle. The lifestyle that I have green eyes for but also the lifestyle I have great concern to live on. The reason? His cute faces, however, always remind me the song 'Young and Beautiful', reminding me that while it is great to have fun along the way, there are also things deserves to be in patience waiting for: a person who will love you when you are no longer young and beautiful, and when you got nothing but your aching soul.

Well, I guess am just self-comforting for losing what I could have. I may turn out to be an completely idiot in doing so, time will tell me in 10 years. Not a big deal anyway, at most I would just be joining the club of those who are giving advices to youngsters with regrets and jealous, so what, it seems that I won't be feeling lonely in that club anyway. Aha.

Nighty night.

The Bilinearity of love

'You mean the big lighting bolt to the heart......the reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to seek nylon.'

------- Donald Draper, fictional character of Man Man

It is always good to begin with a disclaimer that this blog post is bounded to have loads spelling mistakes because, ehhhh, I just had a big cup of caramel Frappuccino so am both in sugar rush and my bladder is about to explode, and because am writing this on my tablet which spell check practically does not work.

Recently life has been so busy all of sudden, all kinds of stuff in hands that made me spinning around the clock.  There were some delights for the past month but did not seem to go the way I would expect. However now I have made myself getting to a regular gym goers now, and by regular, I meant 6 times week, and am very pleased with the results so far, and in another month or two I believe I will have my pound body back again.

Having a great body is so important to me as it instantly improves my confidence, both in a general sense as body gives me strength but also in a sexual sense which can improve my sexual attractiveness. Also I find going to gym really help improve my energy level and it is just do refreshing after exercises, it makes you feel new and ready for whatever next.

Recently, because of a busy busy schedule, hence did not have the time to meet anyone,either boy or girl, pretty much stayed in the texting stage with one or two guys just chatting, which was nice.   Went out another night with bunch of mates and there was a guy who is a friend of my friend, and had a crush on him when hitting the club, nice body, tall, big chest and big muscle, broad shaders and great smile, what's not to like. I had also changed my profile pic on some iPhone apps for gay/bi guys which was my gym body shot, and boi, messages just started flooded in like hell makes you wonder whether you are a horny wolf zone.    I also started to notice a guy in my gym as well, he asked me once something random like 'do you wanna share this machine' or such and we pretty much recognise each others' face. But he is very nice, very low key but indepent guy in my age, similar height to me, nice firm muscle and cute. We always go to gym at pretty much the same time range hence from time to time would run into each other, we dont say hello to each other but I kinda feel that he set eyes on me and I did the same on him.   Not sure which side he is with, but would actually be great to have him on board as a gym buddy as seems we are sharing same fitness level and features. Yes I do have a minor crush on him but hey, it is a gym, when comes down to Gym, I mean 'serious business', oops, serious fitness, no checking on out guys or girls, just sort out my 6 pack and go.   

Anyway I found this blog post very ramdon, but to be honest when sitting in a Starbucks and carrying a full bladder, you can't blame me for writing above. What I intend to write was I am wondering when I will be in love, and I can actually feel or taste love so I would know what it is like. Up to now it seems a very remote destination so guess just have to take a number and wait?

What if it really is like what Donald said? Then what am queuing for?

Me & 'Principles' - How long can We stand alone together?

It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.

--------Alex Karras

Well , here we go, a new yeear 2013, apart from a new number being flipped over, I did not see big changes in life so far, despite the wishes I made on New Year day, as the passed every new years.

Very recently I met someone and that really left me pondering over myself and my so-called 'principles'. To start with, I have to point out that there had been a big misfortunate event happened to one of my beloved ones, so I was in a vunlerable situation for the past few weeks, or shall I say I was in shock, I am not sure even now. I was normal at work and during business, but I was quite vunlerable that time as it was not something you can just share with anyone.

I was not thinking on one working day, just felt a need to reach out to someone, so I went on an App and sent a ramdom message to a guy D, he was around late 30s, nice buzz cut head, athletic body and clean and decent profile lines. If you want to know how he looks, it is fairly reasonable to say I think he's quite similar to Scofield at Prison Break,same haircut, same beautiful eyes but D has bigger eyes, more athletic and mascular body and at my height. The conversation with him was pleasant, he was polite, humble and sensible. So I decided to visit him on a late workday night.

On my way to his flat, he was prompt on text messages and seemed like a man with integrity. So before my minds putting everything/thoughts together, my taxi pulled over at his street. I heared the door was unlocking while I was walking towards his house so it was a quite straight forward face-to-face meeting as soon as I emerged my face passing by a line of cedar trees. He gave me a sweet but not big smile and I gave him a firm handshake. It was awkward though, just like he was thinking about shagging me while smiling and I was either unintentially/intentionally giving him a business handshake that made me feel like I was meeting a client at work, which was the last thing I wanted to think of or be reminded by at that very moment. His housemates were all gathered in the Kitchen and were laughing/chatting loudly and he took me straight upstairs to his room, wearing his Superdry casual sporty pants.

We went into his room, and just after I have put down my coat and bag, he had already been around my waist, and he was passinate, mature and sexually attractive. I felt his 'Big' through the cutton superdry pants that it deserved the description. So soon we were both on his bed. He wanted me to s*ck and I asked him to put a con, and he just reached out to one and put it on, no complaining and no whining. It was the first C that ever went into my mouth and when I told him that, he seemed glad and a bit surprise of course. Well to be honest, I was as surprise as him, as I wasn't planning to do this, but I know my 'principles' if I was gonna do that, I would want a Con on to protect myself from whatever any 'delightful' things out there. 

Then we were exploring each other, to my surprise, we kissed, and I didnt resist that. Up to date, the man I kissed and had fun with can be counted by fingers of just one hand, even after you cut half of the fingers of that one hand off. (So yes am slutty online but am a stupid self-restrained idiot in life, just sad).  The only man I had ever kissed was a guy I know for a reasonable long time and had been in constant exchange of messages and chats and eventually we kissed, and normally I would resist kisses from strangers but guess this time I just got carried away. I, ehhhh, maybe shouldn't say it here, but anyway, I, Love, This, Man. I mean it. When he was in front of me, we our body were together, when his smell was in the air around me, I felt affection. So we did not have any real 6 but we just exploring, kissing, playing with each others' men nibbles on chest, and eventually I w@nked him off while biting his giant men' nibbles on chest.

He seemed to be happy, and time was late, so I was staying at his on this giant bed. He put his under on and slept on his side arm while I put my arms around him, and we were chatting a bit. I was joking with him how comes we did not do it at the end but just exploring, he said he felt that I was not ready to have 6 yet. I have to say he's accurate on this, I may go to strangers' but it did not mean that I was up to anything wild. And we were talking about my life, he was very kind to point out that I do not have any friends in life know am Bi was not anything unusual, and said that it was just I have another side of myself. I like this comment, and I think it is indeed my life. One side I do wish I have a gay/bi friend in life but on other hand I did not do anything for it. Then the topic switches to footballs and apparently he is a fan which we talked for a while, then he took off his under, it was my turn to sleep on my left hand side while his arms are around my arm/waist and his mr.Soft Big was against my bubble but, I have to say am a strong man in life and I am not camp, but for that moment, since I was vunlerable, I felt securied, comfortable and affection. Then we went to sleep, a deep nice one until damn alarm set off, that draw me back into reality.

We had one little 'interlude' the morning after, when he woke up we engaged in a cuddling where Mr.Soft Big was not soft anymore and apparently he wanted me to s@ck it off but without a Con thanks to my stupid principles, my mind gave up to my brain and he was disappinted and lied down to sleep a bit before getting up again with me.

Okay, enough rambling, can't believe that I lost my track and writing unlogiclly here for so long about this, time to back to senses.

I felt strongly on this encounter because 1) I started to have self-doubts on my stupid 'principles' that was keeping me away from Gay Scene and also from engaging in any 'misbehaviours' that might give me any STIs, they are good principles that can keep me absolutely clean, however on the other hand I know theres another myself inside my mind screaming to myself to 'Let go and and let loose' just for once to enjoy a life.

Secondly, I felt my heart has a hole the day I returned from D's house to my own flat, as I know am back into my reality again where no matter how many laughs I made that day, how happy I was showing, how my positivity I gathered, how tough or aggresive I was in my career, I am still inside deeper, an insecured man that can just felt safeness and calmness while lying in D's arm.

I think if I told D that he must freak out lol, to be honest if someone told me above I would think I met a wiredo if not a Psycho who wants love from just a casual fling. Facts are that I was a very casual fling or even a failed fling that out of hundreds guys he had met so far where he failed to have certain pleasures, while to me I felt love affection and secured. It is just amazing that how two indivdual human being can touch different grounds from the same experience.

Enough self-pity, time to have a cigeratte and pack up to gym. I have no other ways to get out my frustration and confusing feelings on my muscles and abs, they are the only things that I can have control of.

Hope 2013 will be a great year. Thanks D, hope to see you soon and be a friend with you in real life.

Sadness

The Old Topic

I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being--that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.

 - 'Concerning the Jews'   Mark Twain

Race, a long, old topic that long enough to make it sometimes a stinky one. Decided to write a blog on this on this Sunday night before going to bed, was driven by a forum post I came across earlier this week and also by some of incidents throughout last couple of months.

Earlier this week, I stumbled into a forum post on a Gay/Bi website which was trying to spark a conversation about dating Asian guys, and as a SE Asian, naturally I clicked in to see how people commented on this issue, and interestingly they can generally be grouped into these categories:

- Common Senses: 'I think people should not judge someone simply by color' '

- Humanist and Democrat and probably great entertainer potential : 'I am an equal f***er'

- Complainers: 'My race made me so unattractive'

- Complainers 2: 'Every two weeks the whole Asian thing comes up'

- Scientists: ' About the Peanut size stuff.....scientists has measured Peanut sizes across all races....conclusions are ............'

- Opposer: 'I hate Asians'

- Pointless: 'I think all races should be the same, and I think the term 'Hot' is for white guys or Latino'

- Supporters: 'I love them they are hot'

- Extremists: 'Racism.........' blah blah blah

....................................

So pretty much opinions cover 360 degrees of all arguments, so cant be bothered to list them all, also gives me no intention to add anything to the forum whatsoever. Am sure a simply Introduction to Philosophy will get all these straight nice and clear.

However I do can share a bit of my own limited experiences so far, while having a glass of Austrilia's finest red, so you are welcome to read it with a pinch of salt (any relations between the wine and salt? I guess no, just think 'red' rhymed with 'Salt' ).

Since later this year I decided to start my exploring journey with guys, I would not say the process was as smooth as I expected. In terms of being minorities in this country, I think I must be joking with myself if I said that there were no difference as being a S.E. Asian as other races just for trying to be more positive or mad anyone feel better or just doing a grand big talk. I agree with that many guys online keep saying this whole race topic is boring and its 21 century and just move on and thinking most guys posting these topics where just whining over an non-issue. Well, to be completely honest (I have to, otherwise there's no point am writing here anymore, enough hiding and silence enough in life), only soly based on my own experiences, I have to say that stereotype about Asian guys is generally common, and normally it doesnt favour me. This is not an emotional statement, or mix with any anger or whatever, its pointless, this is simply a natural conclusion based on the simple fact that after hundred times when people close the chat room abruptly after asking me to confirm my race, or reading many profiles directly saying that 'No Asians'. If any emotions was included in my statement, it was just simple disappointment.

Am I bothered about this, well, yes and no. Saying 'Yes' because it indeed affected my life, and from time to time I just felt disappointed towards where Life is leading me to as when I simply showing nice gesture from me a human being to another, people shut the down straight away not because Who I Am but because What I am; Saying 'No' because rationally I think my unsuccessful experiences with guys are not soly lied on 'stereotypes' but also the fact that I am so protective and discreet about being 'out' to strangers that I do not normally post face pics to anyone, and I tend to stay away from Gay/Bi scene etc. Also, being completely honest with myself, and be true with myself, I do think white guys have a good bone frame and face frame that I just fall for those guys with a gorgeous body and blue eyes, makes me just have them in my arms (or be in their arms) brush their hair and feed them grapes. (Yes I do know that guys aint moneys lol)

Recently I was approached by a gorgeous white guy online who seemed to be very attractive, and we had good chats online so he invited me to a meet up for drinks, so we scheduled everything and he even confirmed one day before our meet-up date he would come, then I was left in the pub for an hour and half for nothing, having 2 bottles of Asahi myself. Then we engaged another talk after that, and he apologised with blah blah reason and so we scheduled another meet up for drinks, and then I stood at the front door of one of my favourite pubs in London for 1 hour until I was shivering in cold wind in London, and then came back with a cold text suggesting he didnt realise my race until just now.  Same tragedy repeated again this weekend, where I was left travelled to pub in the rain myself and returned after a glass of red on my own for 40 minutes and came home with disappointment after reading a cold online message saying that he just realised my race and he would not be interested in a meet up anymore.

P.S. If someone thinks am meeting guys around just for casual 6, then I strongly advise him/her to think twice before reaching that conclusion.

Well, I think I feel sorry for the young man whos walking home in the chilly rain with disappointments and confusions about what the hell had happened in his life and where are the right directions, which was myself.  I now had my disappointments here during these two meet-ups, which happen to be my limited meet-up experiences with guys, and my hopes of meeting some decent Gay/Bi guys and to have Gay/Bi friends in life, had been let down. However I think it is silly if I just stop being myself simply because these silly things.

I know what kind of guys/girls I falls for, so I have to follow my heart and be true with myself. I work hard to have a decent life, workout hard to have a decent body and stick to my principles to be a real man in life, being a decent human being.  So I guess I just need to chin up, keep calm, move on, and have a little bit faith in life.

If all these still would not lead me to what I want, I guess I will just have to thank God or whoevers up there for humouring me at the end , at least from this way I wouldn't regret for being true to myself and for running towards what I want.

Well, it wasnt my intention to have this post a bit silly or depressed as it sounds, I wasn't actually this concerned about this topic or my recent life apart from incidental disappointments from time to time, guess am a bit moody from writing all these after midnight around 2am in London and all my writing is so irrational and unlogically, completely off my style lol, and knowing another day of spreadsheets meetings and crunching numbers day is about to begin!

Anyway to summarise, stereotypes does not favor me is a fact, I am disappointed at this initial stages of exploring with guys, and I will move on and stick to what I believe and what I want, be a man, get over it, and work hard and work out hard, as I always believe, a decent human being will be most attractive.

Next immediate step, get the 6 pack straight, nice and neat.

Have to put a period to whining now, SLEEP!

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

-

A fight between ME and TESTOSTERONE

Life is a form of sport, a fierce game betwixt you and fate.

                                                        --- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

My recent fierce game is betwixt me and my dear testosterone, although I did not sign up for this game, it is a game pre-set by God which does not seem to have 'The End'.

One of the side effects of being a 20ish yo is that I tend to have this urge to put my stick into anywhere as long as it is a hole and I would like to shag anything, sometimes the power building up high enough that I thought I could shag the wooden chair just in front of me. 

I wish someone could tell me earlier that when testosterone is on fire, normally IQ would dash away, as I seemed to be very good at making irrational decisions lately. For example, recently a few times after work I took myself and my testosterone to head to Soho, found a straight pub, sit down, pulled out my iPhone and logged on Grindr and innocently thought I would find a gorgeous guy who would like to spend a chilling date night with me and we could cuddle into sleep.

As a result, I spent all nights with 3 or 4 empty pint glasses, left with a full bag of messages which normally fall into below categories,

1. A long list of pictures of him posing all kinds of gestures, showing his happy life living before the Adam and Eve era, back to which time at least Adam had a leaf for his thing;

2. Loads pictures of 360 degree panorama of his thing that even my iPhone was sometimes too shocked to respond, probably same reactions from strangers sitting next to me in the pub;

3. After 3/4 messages I found myself absolutely flattered to receive such warm invitation to join a 'group party' of sweet daddies;

..................

..................

I can go on and on to add more to the list.

To be honest, the effect of these messages may have 2 main consequences, it either destroy people's belief in humanity or enhance people's love of humanity. To me I guess my brain suffered the former one and my heart suffered from the the latter one, i.e. I think it's absolutely rotten and I feel absolutely turned on.

But up to now none of them during which of my happy hours in Soho that I found sane, decent and would like to hold a 3 minutes proper chat on Grindr. So I always, in the end, multiple times, left Soho pubs with an empty heart, disappointment, on noisy Friday nights and passed by the loudest crowds in West End, alone.

If a 10 years old would venture, or care enough, to find an answer for my friday 'cruising' failures, I think he/she would suggested that when a man repeatedly failed in such occasions, he may need to stay think about whether it would be realistic to found people who are looking for chats and decent dates over an mobile applications which, primarily, for people looking for NSA funs; he/she may also advise me to consider re-locate myself, as clearly people out in Soho who still keeps an eye on Grindr are clearly task-oriented, hence it makes perfectly sense people jump straight into business, it is all about efficiency nowadays. I used to think 'quick' isn't one of the favourite things a man would like to be associated with, how ironic.

So these had been my days throughout last month or two, my body was just like a strong testosterone horse and whatever I wanted to do were irrelevant as since day one I rode on it, it did not seem to have a 'stop' or even 'break' switch, so I could only sit on its back, watching myself making all kinds of irrational decisions and being dragged all over the city one night after another ended with nothing and repeated all these again the next day.

So I have been the living example of one of Freud's two unconscious forces, 6.

and finally finally I have got my halter back, while my brain is still working and not damaged heavily, and while the testosterone horse is taking a breath , I think it is time to back to normality and put a brake to these endless jokes, so I decided to go back into gym for next couple of weeks to get the energy out and gain sanity back into life, also it is time to think about making some new friends.

For people who may wonder how comes I do not just go hang out with mates on Fridays? Well, have I happened to mention that am a foreigner here in London? So yeah, mates are rare resources for anyone who comes to a new City with everything starting from scratch, no matter how sociable I am and no matter how many friends I have elsewhere, if they are not here, then better get used to hang out with myself, otherwise who knows what hell the below equitation will lead to,

 Boredom + 'Honey' = ?????????

The end of whining.

It could happen to anyone, but should it?

                               I am the love that dare not speak its name.                                     

                                Lord Alfred Douglas

I would like to begin my Monday morning at 01:41am with the touching video about Shane Bitney Crone and Tom Bridegroom.

Their smiles were filled with happiness in the video, they looked so much in love, at least according to the video. I felt for Shane's desperation and frustration, if I would have someone special, if that was a guy, and in love if am lucky enough, then I think I would just as frustrated and desperate as him, if not worse. I never been in love so far, but sometimes losing contacts from someone seems special to me leaves a hole in my heart that enough to make me feel down for a while, although this is nothing comparable to what Shane had experienced.

Love is love, no difference whether to a guy or girl, just extensive and hopeless care to another human being whose accompany can make you feel warm, peaceful and happy. Never know when I would fall in love, to a girl or guy, but if it is a guy, could all these happen to me?

But it does not seem to be very irrelevant here to me, as the fact is that it indeed to happened to the guys. Am sure they are lovely human beings, their smiles told enough about that, therefore,

When a good man is hurt all who would be called good must suffer with him.

                                                                                                                                    Euripides

My sincere condolences to Shane Bitney Crone and Tom Bridegroom, give my regards to their touching romance. R.I.P Tom.

My First Guy - 2

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
                                                                                                 Brendan Francis Behan

Well, chilling Sunday night, finally it is beginning to breeze now after a burning hot day, 27°C here, and I think I have been in the country long enough to take this as one of the hottest days you could have on earth.

Pouring a glass of Spain's finest red, turn on the radio, perfect conditions to settle in memories of my first intimacy with a guy.

Followed my Last Post.

After J's private dance, I went back to my seat and feeling a bit relaxed and cheerful now. Grabbed another beer and sitting at my table for a bit 'show', this is when E came on stage. E is a muscly beefy guy with a shaved head, with a 185-188cm / 6 ft 1 height, I would say yes he is a big guy. Different from other big guys strippers with their eyebrows dedicated maintained and groomed and dance like a big woman without the boobs shaking their arses all over the place, E was different. He was a man, a big man, dance sexy as a man, stood firm and with hands sliding over his chest slowly with the rhythm of this song (Eye from Smashing Pumpkin), while dancing, he also wandered around on the stage while taking off his clothes one by one, by the by he wasnt wearing much anyway, then exposed his 'XL' in front of all.

To be completely honest, I did not feel much about E at his show, partly because the guys took me to the club kept murmuring to me about stuff that I wasnt interested at all, and more importantly I think generally I am much more attracted to naturally athletic built lads with a next door lad face rather than guys with big muscles, that is a bit too much for me, generally, and last reason my eyes did not particularly landed on E for long was because it was a stripper club where naked men were on stage one after another, my eyes and mind got used to it like 3 minutes after watching the show where the curiosity/excitement before entering the club had completely gone, just like you walk into Tescos and would not take a second look on a cabbage, bad metaphor, but you know what I meant.

And just while I was talking to the guys at the table, again, surprisingly, E came straight to my table and took a sit right next to me, (I guess my favourite shirt secretly helped draw a lot of attention onto me, well done!), we engaged in a bit small talk, and he offered me to a private dance, and I said 'No'. It was fairly understandable, as previously I had an awesome service from J who fitted perfectly my profile for a guy and I was happy to close my night with it and E was beefy muscle guy that I found less physically attractive, so No. Interestingly, he seemed quite disappointed, well of course he lost a small cash-in, but most strippers would not show much disappointment as they seemed to be cruising around the whole night in the club to get clients to have private dances and I assumed being declined was part of the deal? Anyway, he went away, and 10 minutes later, E came back again to sit next to me and chat to me, and offered me again to be with him privately, and this time I said Yes, not because how he looks, but because who he is, I liked him, because he behaved completely as a man, no drama, and with composure.

It was a short time with him privately, and it was fun, then I gathered the courage to ask him whether he wanted to go back to my hotel to have an extended version of this dance, and I made it very clearly that I was not after sex, of any kind, I was just curious and just exploring, and he thought for a few seconds, and he said Yes, so after he went on his last performance on stage, we were in cab together heading to my hotel in the City.

After getting into my room, we had a bit further talk, and E started to turn on the TV to find a song, then started performing another private dance for me, which was great. After the song, we soon landed on bed and both naked and my hands was on his thing, and I think he was really excited that time so it was enormous, both in terms of length and width, and I think it is reasonably to assume it would be the largest I have seen in so far, and got very solid chances in the Top 5 largest even counting the rest of my life ahead. However we did not do much, E tried to give me a kiss and I avoided, so it was purely a man's body with another, not inside, no kissing, nothing, just touching, and strangely it felt so right. I guess back to that time, naively, I thought I was only curiously about guys' body and the feeling of guys fooling around like mates and I thought the only thing I wanted from a guy was just touching a guys' thing, that was it, and looking back then I would say I was just going through the 'Curious' stage to guys.

So for the next hour or so we were just cuddling, exploring each other and chatting, which can be described as the pure definition of the phrase ' Sleeping Together'.  It was such a good memory that the next evening E also came over after gym, so we spent another 'Sleeping Together' night involves nothing really sexually but just a bit teasing stripping and w@nking. I still remember vividly two men's body closely together on the bed on the high floors of a hotel in downtown Montreal where the certain were not fully drawn that made me wonder whether theres some people just watching our intimacy remotely from another building. E was strong and also gentle, and like a real man. It turned out he was bi and have been with girls on and off while taking a job in the gay stripper club purely for the cash.

I think from that moment when I truly enjoyed my times with E that set the foundation that I would just fall to guys who behave like a man, or fall to Bi guys. Upon leaving, he gave me the name of his aftershave which I found particularly sexy wearing by him and also he kindly gave me his real name and we Facebooked each other, guess not a atypical finishing with a stripper normally, and he left my room with a nice kiss on my cheek (as I was still not prepared to kiss a guy, even to such a sexy as E).

So my first guy left me after two nights 'together', leaving me his nice smell which for a long time he was reminded by the same aftershave I bought after returning to London, and missed him occasionally from reading his Facebook posts and pics with his mates and sexy bikini gfs, and most importantly, thinking about his sexy dances when listened to Eye, recalling how sexy the experience was with him, the very intimacy between two males, our sweat melting together, and even without sex, those two nights were just, absolutely right.....

I lie
I wait
I start
I hesitate
I am
I breath
I melt
I think of me
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found these
Through you
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself feel down
Turn away from Eye
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
I taste
I love
I call
I bleed enough
I hate
I might
I was
I want too much
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found these
Through you
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself feel down
Turn away from Eye
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
Just a touch