Sunday, 22 June 2014

Yesterday once more - D

Delusion detests focus and romance provides the veil

                                                                        -  Suzanne Finnamore

If you read my blog before, you would know D, a guy I met quite a long time ago that we did not engage in any 6 but I absolutely fell for him. The night I spent with him sleeping in his arms had never made me any more secure, safe and relaxed.  

Well, however, unfortunately D did not feel the same way. D has a thing, he has a special taste when comes to guys, he fell for muscly guys with big chest, arms and ab packs. So when we first met, that was when my work completed messed up my body from all the late night drinks and pizzas that I had at work, hence, sadly, D was not that into me. When I left D's house, since I felt so strongly about him, I decided to start training again to get my old body again with 6 packs and build big arms and chest, just for D.

Naive, I know.

So I started training, a bit on and off, but daydreaming that sometime I will be back in to the body that D desired, then he will see me again, then we will have great 6, and I dreamed it must be so good, that kind of 6 that even the neighbour will have a cigarette after we had it. Well think about it, we just cuddled and slept together with some intimacy, I felt strongly already, so no wonder I will expect so much from our 6.

So very occasionally, we would exchange a few text messages and he would query whether I get my packs and pecks ready. To be honest, exchange of text message is a bit exaggerating, more like I text quite a few times and occasionally I get a short response and asking for my training situation with request to ask for some photos then it is the cool off period again. 

For one time or two, I could have met D again, as he asked me whether I was ready to meet again, I could ignore whether my body was ready or not and just said I am then we would meet up again, however I was so into D that I did not want to disappoint him, so I thought I had to get into the body that would make at least half of the people at my gym be jealous and another half would be too shameful to come to gym, then I think that would be the time to meet D again, so time has gone by, life has moving on, but D and myself had not met for over a year.

For over a year, D had been at the little corner of my heart that I never told anyone, so just wrapped up my strong crush on him and put into a tiny little corner in my heart, back of my mind, and quieting counting my 6 packs and counting on the day meeting D will come soon.

Strangely, or probably meant to be (I doubt it), one night I went out with a mate, and while chatting with my friend, there was a guy contacted me from an app to ask me to join him in a bar nearby. I spoke with my friend quickly and we decided to drop by the g@ay bar, and while i was trying to get through the door, I suddenly saw a familiar face at the front of the queue. I looked again, and it was D, with an unknown guy next to him! I tried to look again, and it was him, chatting, laughing, and seemed happy but also a bit mind drifting. I quickly gathered that it must be a date he was on, so I decided not to say Hi, plus I am not so sure that whether he would still recognise me or not, so I think the best way is to stay put and text him later to double check with him. I remembered that when I actually checked and do believe that was D, I suddenly burst into loud laugh at my friend's 'jokes', which made him feel that he finally started to pick up a sense of humour. I laughed out so loud because I felt life is so funny in a way that the guy had been haunted me back and forward on my mind for so long, I had met him in such an unexpected way, time, location, and occasion. On my mind, it was a proper dinner date, in a fancy restaurant, and he emerged himself in a suit, not at the front queue outside of a gay bar with a guy next to him and people throwing up at the corner. 

So I texted him on site and left quietly with my friend so he could enjoy his date properly. Plus, I seriously doubt that he would remember me, based on a wild guess that how many guys he had been meeting with when we last seen each other, and that would be quite awkward if I said Hi in that kind of situation. 

Then, I was right. As D messaged me back and tried to establish this 'stranger' who messaged him. Well after a few reminders he at least recalled that I was the guy 'laugh loudly in the crowd', not the guy who cuddled him over a year ago, of course. I told him that bigger arms and chest had been accomplished, then we quickly set up a meet up briefly. I was excited, excited enough I ironed my t-shirt and pants before I went out to see him. I do not even iron my shirt for work. 

So I ended in a bar probably an hour before he arrived, then I was waiting, peacefully, anxiously. Then an hour later, after I secured a seat at the bar with nice views, D came into sight.

He came with a grey shirt and jeans, the first thing I noticed, interestingly, was that D did give out his 'gay vibe' straight away, when he's walking to the table and how he behave, or put it in another way, I found that D was a bit camp, which clearly I did not recall or remember from last time we met in his house. So while we were chatting with each other, my mind was filled with this question that 'did I idolised this guy that much that I did not even notice or remember that he was a bit camp?'. 

Then he ordered some food, and we had been chatting, catching up with each other about what we had been up to during these YEARS, and talking about his 'boring and disappointing' date the night before. I felt that we were talking about everything, but also nothing at all.

Then he decided to left for home, without me, then I walked with him for a bit, he asked me:

'S, do you really think there is anything here between us'.


Well, clearly, he was making clear that there is no chance between us, and he was really not into me. 

Well, that hardly made it a surprise, given that for over a year he was the one who moved on probably the second I left his house and I was the one have him on my mind all the time.

But I, spontaneously, replied that 

'Well, I do think so, anyway, let's meet again sometime soon, as a friend'.

What was at the tip of my tongue was that 'you only know tiny bit of me, if you give it a chance to get to know me a bit more, you will love me.'

But it didn't make it out of my mouth.

Then D just disappeared in the crowd.

I walked to central London to meet my mates, and while I was on the way, I felt surprisingly calm, and disappointed, and sad, and normal, a mixture of feelings really. I discovered that I truly idolised D, as after this meeting, I found that D was a bit camp, and a bit less than the perfect prince I thought he was for the past year, but he still had his charm there to me, and my gut feeling was that he would not meet me again, as he knew clearly now that I had a crush on him, and he did not want to give me any false hop.

So here it is, this is my dreamed meeting with D again, not so much as I expected. 

Probably, most likely, the End........

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