The Old Topic

I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being--that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.

 - 'Concerning the Jews'   Mark Twain

Race, a long, old topic that long enough to make it sometimes a stinky one. Decided to write a blog on this on this Sunday night before going to bed, was driven by a forum post I came across earlier this week and also by some of incidents throughout last couple of months.

Earlier this week, I stumbled into a forum post on a Gay/Bi website which was trying to spark a conversation about dating Asian guys, and as a SE Asian, naturally I clicked in to see how people commented on this issue, and interestingly they can generally be grouped into these categories:

- Common Senses: 'I think people should not judge someone simply by color' '

- Humanist and Democrat and probably great entertainer potential : 'I am an equal f***er'

- Complainers: 'My race made me so unattractive'

- Complainers 2: 'Every two weeks the whole Asian thing comes up'

- Scientists: ' About the Peanut size stuff.....scientists has measured Peanut sizes across all races....conclusions are ............'

- Opposer: 'I hate Asians'

- Pointless: 'I think all races should be the same, and I think the term 'Hot' is for white guys or Latino'

- Supporters: 'I love them they are hot'

- Extremists: 'Racism.........' blah blah blah

....................................

So pretty much opinions cover 360 degrees of all arguments, so cant be bothered to list them all, also gives me no intention to add anything to the forum whatsoever. Am sure a simply Introduction to Philosophy will get all these straight nice and clear.

However I do can share a bit of my own limited experiences so far, while having a glass of Austrilia's finest red, so you are welcome to read it with a pinch of salt (any relations between the wine and salt? I guess no, just think 'red' rhymed with 'Salt' ).

Since later this year I decided to start my exploring journey with guys, I would not say the process was as smooth as I expected. In terms of being minorities in this country, I think I must be joking with myself if I said that there were no difference as being a S.E. Asian as other races just for trying to be more positive or mad anyone feel better or just doing a grand big talk. I agree with that many guys online keep saying this whole race topic is boring and its 21 century and just move on and thinking most guys posting these topics where just whining over an non-issue. Well, to be completely honest (I have to, otherwise there's no point am writing here anymore, enough hiding and silence enough in life), only soly based on my own experiences, I have to say that stereotype about Asian guys is generally common, and normally it doesnt favour me. This is not an emotional statement, or mix with any anger or whatever, its pointless, this is simply a natural conclusion based on the simple fact that after hundred times when people close the chat room abruptly after asking me to confirm my race, or reading many profiles directly saying that 'No Asians'. If any emotions was included in my statement, it was just simple disappointment.

Am I bothered about this, well, yes and no. Saying 'Yes' because it indeed affected my life, and from time to time I just felt disappointed towards where Life is leading me to as when I simply showing nice gesture from me a human being to another, people shut the down straight away not because Who I Am but because What I am; Saying 'No' because rationally I think my unsuccessful experiences with guys are not soly lied on 'stereotypes' but also the fact that I am so protective and discreet about being 'out' to strangers that I do not normally post face pics to anyone, and I tend to stay away from Gay/Bi scene etc. Also, being completely honest with myself, and be true with myself, I do think white guys have a good bone frame and face frame that I just fall for those guys with a gorgeous body and blue eyes, makes me just have them in my arms (or be in their arms) brush their hair and feed them grapes. (Yes I do know that guys aint moneys lol)

Recently I was approached by a gorgeous white guy online who seemed to be very attractive, and we had good chats online so he invited me to a meet up for drinks, so we scheduled everything and he even confirmed one day before our meet-up date he would come, then I was left in the pub for an hour and half for nothing, having 2 bottles of Asahi myself. Then we engaged another talk after that, and he apologised with blah blah reason and so we scheduled another meet up for drinks, and then I stood at the front door of one of my favourite pubs in London for 1 hour until I was shivering in cold wind in London, and then came back with a cold text suggesting he didnt realise my race until just now.  Same tragedy repeated again this weekend, where I was left travelled to pub in the rain myself and returned after a glass of red on my own for 40 minutes and came home with disappointment after reading a cold online message saying that he just realised my race and he would not be interested in a meet up anymore.

P.S. If someone thinks am meeting guys around just for casual 6, then I strongly advise him/her to think twice before reaching that conclusion.

Well, I think I feel sorry for the young man whos walking home in the chilly rain with disappointments and confusions about what the hell had happened in his life and where are the right directions, which was myself.  I now had my disappointments here during these two meet-ups, which happen to be my limited meet-up experiences with guys, and my hopes of meeting some decent Gay/Bi guys and to have Gay/Bi friends in life, had been let down. However I think it is silly if I just stop being myself simply because these silly things.

I know what kind of guys/girls I falls for, so I have to follow my heart and be true with myself. I work hard to have a decent life, workout hard to have a decent body and stick to my principles to be a real man in life, being a decent human being.  So I guess I just need to chin up, keep calm, move on, and have a little bit faith in life.

If all these still would not lead me to what I want, I guess I will just have to thank God or whoevers up there for humouring me at the end , at least from this way I wouldn't regret for being true to myself and for running towards what I want.

Well, it wasnt my intention to have this post a bit silly or depressed as it sounds, I wasn't actually this concerned about this topic or my recent life apart from incidental disappointments from time to time, guess am a bit moody from writing all these after midnight around 2am in London and all my writing is so irrational and unlogically, completely off my style lol, and knowing another day of spreadsheets meetings and crunching numbers day is about to begin!

Anyway to summarise, stereotypes does not favor me is a fact, I am disappointed at this initial stages of exploring with guys, and I will move on and stick to what I believe and what I want, be a man, get over it, and work hard and work out hard, as I always believe, a decent human being will be most attractive.

Next immediate step, get the 6 pack straight, nice and neat.

Have to put a period to whining now, SLEEP!

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

-

A fight between ME and TESTOSTERONE

Life is a form of sport, a fierce game betwixt you and fate.

                                                        --- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

My recent fierce game is betwixt me and my dear testosterone, although I did not sign up for this game, it is a game pre-set by God which does not seem to have 'The End'.

One of the side effects of being a 20ish yo is that I tend to have this urge to put my stick into anywhere as long as it is a hole and I would like to shag anything, sometimes the power building up high enough that I thought I could shag the wooden chair just in front of me. 

I wish someone could tell me earlier that when testosterone is on fire, normally IQ would dash away, as I seemed to be very good at making irrational decisions lately. For example, recently a few times after work I took myself and my testosterone to head to Soho, found a straight pub, sit down, pulled out my iPhone and logged on Grindr and innocently thought I would find a gorgeous guy who would like to spend a chilling date night with me and we could cuddle into sleep.

As a result, I spent all nights with 3 or 4 empty pint glasses, left with a full bag of messages which normally fall into below categories,

1. A long list of pictures of him posing all kinds of gestures, showing his happy life living before the Adam and Eve era, back to which time at least Adam had a leaf for his thing;

2. Loads pictures of 360 degree panorama of his thing that even my iPhone was sometimes too shocked to respond, probably same reactions from strangers sitting next to me in the pub;

3. After 3/4 messages I found myself absolutely flattered to receive such warm invitation to join a 'group party' of sweet daddies;

..................

..................

I can go on and on to add more to the list.

To be honest, the effect of these messages may have 2 main consequences, it either destroy people's belief in humanity or enhance people's love of humanity. To me I guess my brain suffered the former one and my heart suffered from the the latter one, i.e. I think it's absolutely rotten and I feel absolutely turned on.

But up to now none of them during which of my happy hours in Soho that I found sane, decent and would like to hold a 3 minutes proper chat on Grindr. So I always, in the end, multiple times, left Soho pubs with an empty heart, disappointment, on noisy Friday nights and passed by the loudest crowds in West End, alone.

If a 10 years old would venture, or care enough, to find an answer for my friday 'cruising' failures, I think he/she would suggested that when a man repeatedly failed in such occasions, he may need to stay think about whether it would be realistic to found people who are looking for chats and decent dates over an mobile applications which, primarily, for people looking for NSA funs; he/she may also advise me to consider re-locate myself, as clearly people out in Soho who still keeps an eye on Grindr are clearly task-oriented, hence it makes perfectly sense people jump straight into business, it is all about efficiency nowadays. I used to think 'quick' isn't one of the favourite things a man would like to be associated with, how ironic.

So these had been my days throughout last month or two, my body was just like a strong testosterone horse and whatever I wanted to do were irrelevant as since day one I rode on it, it did not seem to have a 'stop' or even 'break' switch, so I could only sit on its back, watching myself making all kinds of irrational decisions and being dragged all over the city one night after another ended with nothing and repeated all these again the next day.

So I have been the living example of one of Freud's two unconscious forces, 6.

and finally finally I have got my halter back, while my brain is still working and not damaged heavily, and while the testosterone horse is taking a breath , I think it is time to back to normality and put a brake to these endless jokes, so I decided to go back into gym for next couple of weeks to get the energy out and gain sanity back into life, also it is time to think about making some new friends.

For people who may wonder how comes I do not just go hang out with mates on Fridays? Well, have I happened to mention that am a foreigner here in London? So yeah, mates are rare resources for anyone who comes to a new City with everything starting from scratch, no matter how sociable I am and no matter how many friends I have elsewhere, if they are not here, then better get used to hang out with myself, otherwise who knows what hell the below equitation will lead to,

 Boredom + 'Honey' = ?????????

The end of whining.

It could happen to anyone, but should it?

                               I am the love that dare not speak its name.                                     

                                Lord Alfred Douglas

I would like to begin my Monday morning at 01:41am with the touching video about Shane Bitney Crone and Tom Bridegroom.

Their smiles were filled with happiness in the video, they looked so much in love, at least according to the video. I felt for Shane's desperation and frustration, if I would have someone special, if that was a guy, and in love if am lucky enough, then I think I would just as frustrated and desperate as him, if not worse. I never been in love so far, but sometimes losing contacts from someone seems special to me leaves a hole in my heart that enough to make me feel down for a while, although this is nothing comparable to what Shane had experienced.

Love is love, no difference whether to a guy or girl, just extensive and hopeless care to another human being whose accompany can make you feel warm, peaceful and happy. Never know when I would fall in love, to a girl or guy, but if it is a guy, could all these happen to me?

But it does not seem to be very irrelevant here to me, as the fact is that it indeed to happened to the guys. Am sure they are lovely human beings, their smiles told enough about that, therefore,

When a good man is hurt all who would be called good must suffer with him.

                                                                                                                                    Euripides

My sincere condolences to Shane Bitney Crone and Tom Bridegroom, give my regards to their touching romance. R.I.P Tom.

My First Guy - 2

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
                                                                                                 Brendan Francis Behan

Well, chilling Sunday night, finally it is beginning to breeze now after a burning hot day, 27°C here, and I think I have been in the country long enough to take this as one of the hottest days you could have on earth.

Pouring a glass of Spain's finest red, turn on the radio, perfect conditions to settle in memories of my first intimacy with a guy.

Followed my Last Post.

After J's private dance, I went back to my seat and feeling a bit relaxed and cheerful now. Grabbed another beer and sitting at my table for a bit 'show', this is when E came on stage. E is a muscly beefy guy with a shaved head, with a 185-188cm / 6 ft 1 height, I would say yes he is a big guy. Different from other big guys strippers with their eyebrows dedicated maintained and groomed and dance like a big woman without the boobs shaking their arses all over the place, E was different. He was a man, a big man, dance sexy as a man, stood firm and with hands sliding over his chest slowly with the rhythm of this song (Eye from Smashing Pumpkin), while dancing, he also wandered around on the stage while taking off his clothes one by one, by the by he wasnt wearing much anyway, then exposed his 'XL' in front of all.

To be completely honest, I did not feel much about E at his show, partly because the guys took me to the club kept murmuring to me about stuff that I wasnt interested at all, and more importantly I think generally I am much more attracted to naturally athletic built lads with a next door lad face rather than guys with big muscles, that is a bit too much for me, generally, and last reason my eyes did not particularly landed on E for long was because it was a stripper club where naked men were on stage one after another, my eyes and mind got used to it like 3 minutes after watching the show where the curiosity/excitement before entering the club had completely gone, just like you walk into Tescos and would not take a second look on a cabbage, bad metaphor, but you know what I meant.

And just while I was talking to the guys at the table, again, surprisingly, E came straight to my table and took a sit right next to me, (I guess my favourite shirt secretly helped draw a lot of attention onto me, well done!), we engaged in a bit small talk, and he offered me to a private dance, and I said 'No'. It was fairly understandable, as previously I had an awesome service from J who fitted perfectly my profile for a guy and I was happy to close my night with it and E was beefy muscle guy that I found less physically attractive, so No. Interestingly, he seemed quite disappointed, well of course he lost a small cash-in, but most strippers would not show much disappointment as they seemed to be cruising around the whole night in the club to get clients to have private dances and I assumed being declined was part of the deal? Anyway, he went away, and 10 minutes later, E came back again to sit next to me and chat to me, and offered me again to be with him privately, and this time I said Yes, not because how he looks, but because who he is, I liked him, because he behaved completely as a man, no drama, and with composure.

It was a short time with him privately, and it was fun, then I gathered the courage to ask him whether he wanted to go back to my hotel to have an extended version of this dance, and I made it very clearly that I was not after sex, of any kind, I was just curious and just exploring, and he thought for a few seconds, and he said Yes, so after he went on his last performance on stage, we were in cab together heading to my hotel in the City.

After getting into my room, we had a bit further talk, and E started to turn on the TV to find a song, then started performing another private dance for me, which was great. After the song, we soon landed on bed and both naked and my hands was on his thing, and I think he was really excited that time so it was enormous, both in terms of length and width, and I think it is reasonably to assume it would be the largest I have seen in so far, and got very solid chances in the Top 5 largest even counting the rest of my life ahead. However we did not do much, E tried to give me a kiss and I avoided, so it was purely a man's body with another, not inside, no kissing, nothing, just touching, and strangely it felt so right. I guess back to that time, naively, I thought I was only curiously about guys' body and the feeling of guys fooling around like mates and I thought the only thing I wanted from a guy was just touching a guys' thing, that was it, and looking back then I would say I was just going through the 'Curious' stage to guys.

So for the next hour or so we were just cuddling, exploring each other and chatting, which can be described as the pure definition of the phrase ' Sleeping Together'.  It was such a good memory that the next evening E also came over after gym, so we spent another 'Sleeping Together' night involves nothing really sexually but just a bit teasing stripping and w@nking. I still remember vividly two men's body closely together on the bed on the high floors of a hotel in downtown Montreal where the certain were not fully drawn that made me wonder whether theres some people just watching our intimacy remotely from another building. E was strong and also gentle, and like a real man. It turned out he was bi and have been with girls on and off while taking a job in the gay stripper club purely for the cash.

I think from that moment when I truly enjoyed my times with E that set the foundation that I would just fall to guys who behave like a man, or fall to Bi guys. Upon leaving, he gave me the name of his aftershave which I found particularly sexy wearing by him and also he kindly gave me his real name and we Facebooked each other, guess not a atypical finishing with a stripper normally, and he left my room with a nice kiss on my cheek (as I was still not prepared to kiss a guy, even to such a sexy as E).

So my first guy left me after two nights 'together', leaving me his nice smell which for a long time he was reminded by the same aftershave I bought after returning to London, and missed him occasionally from reading his Facebook posts and pics with his mates and sexy bikini gfs, and most importantly, thinking about his sexy dances when listened to Eye, recalling how sexy the experience was with him, the very intimacy between two males, our sweat melting together, and even without sex, those two nights were just, absolutely right.....

I lie
I wait
I start
I hesitate
I am
I breath
I melt
I think of me
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found these
Through you
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself feel down
Turn away from Eye
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
I taste
I love
I call
I bleed enough
I hate
I might
I was
I want too much
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found these
Through you
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself feel down
Turn away from Eye
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
Just a touch
It's not enough
Just a touch

My First Guy - 1

                               Virginity can be lost even by a thought.

                                                                             Saint Jerome

Well here we go again, finished work late tonight, hit the gym, and jumping into the Blog to keep the stripping followed my last post.

Before I jumping straight into my memories, I would like to invite you to listen to this song while reading this blog, it is Eye from Smashing Pumpkin, this song was from my 1st experience with guy, as explained later below.

My first time with a guy was years ago during my university life, where I started to work out both my crush on girls and guys, and it happened when I was visiting Canada, a beautiful country by the way.  I was with quite a few mates and we went on a road trip and I was clearly in a good mood, then we arrived in Montréal, where I decided to stay for a few days while my mates went on their trip elsewhere in Québec, so left me alone in a sexy City, gay capital of Canada maybe?

On my first night alone, I decided to venture the Gay Village in downtown Montréal, I did not have a clue about where to go, so Internet came handy and I logged online to a local forum, and very soon established a contact with 2 guys who were keen to show me around, so we decided to meet and they however made the decision to take me, this newbie, to a gay strip club, which turned out to be, as it advertised itself, as ''Best nude male dancers & male strippers in the world'(will not post the name here just for potential legal implications, they could be painful!), this is where I met one of the sexist stripper E and had my very 1st intimacy with another male on the planet.

After having a stamp on the back of my hand and a few arguments about my age at the reception(as always, yes I do look young and I always take it as a compliment). I still recall vividly the first sight I went into the bar, and a stripper's right in front of me on the stage facing me with his glorious excitement, we found a table quite close to the front and settled down with 3 beers, billed by me (Oh, sorry I happen to have a good memory as well). I was asked by guys who took me there how I felt about these strippers on stage, and I honestly told them that I was not excited or turned on as I thought I would be. That was 100% honest, somehow having gorgeous men stripping right in front of me, with every bits of it filled with sexiness and masculinity, but my male hormone was on strike.

The first stripper caught my attention was J, who had this amazing athletic body, around 177cm, and well-groomed face, and most importantly the gleam of absolute sexy that unique to a male from his eyes, and he stripped and moved his body right to the sexy rhythm played in the bar, hot and authentic. This is the time the guys told me that you pay a small amount of money and take strippers to backstage to have a 'private dance', I was pondering with an uncertain decision, as you can imagine why, however, the next thing I knew was that J somehow came to sit at the chair right next to me.

Later I knew that strippers would target customers in the bar to sit with them, chat and try to offer private dance, but I had no idea then. So we had a bit chat on where I was from, etc, and my 'English Accent' (I would say I have mixture accent from both my mother tongue and British accent'), and then he moved on asking me if I would like a private dance with him, as he said he like my body, my shirt (I trusted him on that because I was wearing my favourite shirt!) and he liked to have private dance with young lads (this is quite self-explained). I was hesitated, my nerves were on edge a bit, but not surprisingly I said yes.  So he took me into the backstage, where it was also dark, and took me into a cubicle, drawn the curtains, and started to move his hot body against mine and dance to the music while stripping himself. I was of course in mixture of emotions, nervousness, excitement, etc, and when he was stripped off to his brief, he took my hand to put on it, and took it off, then for the first time, my hands landed on a man's thing, it was a bit flaccid, but big, around 6''inch I would say, and then he rubbed his 6 pack against my body so hard that I found a bit hard to breathe, partly from the excitement though. For the next 1 minute I felt like in a fantasy dream of my own.

After the happy private dance, I asked J whether he wants to go back to my Hotel with me, and I told him that I was NOT looking for sex just some light fun like this, but unfortunately he said he has a boyfriend and also the bar policy would not allow them to go visit clients to avoid any troubles.

So this is my first brief time with a guy, however, the real first guy I had my experience was with E, the stripper came to me after this private dance with J, which I would have to leave to next time I write my blog as it is 1:00am and I have another busy day that needs my stamina and clear head to build my spreadsheets for work.

Good night for now London.

My First Girl

Well, here we are. Feeling like am going to strip myself in front of the Internet now. Thousands people doing it online everyday, never thought I would be one of them someday.

My first wet dream back to high school, was with a girl, and based on my standards then, or conventionally speaking, not a very beautiful one, but it was good, I meant really really good in the dream that I can still remember the smile I woke up with. However when the dream proceeded close to the finishline, I woke up. I  still remembered how pissed I was when woke up at that 'critical moment'.  I always believed that one reason I had that dream with that particular non-beauty girl was mainly due to that although she was slightly out of her figure, she was quite coquettish when she was talking to me, and that clearly did the trick.

Soon after that dream, I had been flirting and messing around with girls as usual, and then had my first time sleeping with a girl. The girl clearly had a crush on me as others around me kept telling me that as well, then one night we engaged in a chatting online, which was just a bit wired because she was in the same school accommodation as I lived in, then we were daring each other whether she would come to my flat (meaning to have sex but we both didn't say that word), then I heard the knock, then next second I know she was sitting right next to me in my dark room.

To be honest, I didn't have a clue how to play the next move then I grabbed a can of beer, drank it, then next thing I knew was that we slept together.

Is this the end and happy story? Well, I wish.  If there were chance that I could do a survey on unsuccessful first night among people, I would definitely take that opportunity to find how many people were as unfortunate as me.

So yes, maybe because of the beer, but I think is more because of the nervous nerve, as I wasn't really physically attracted by that girl, and also wasn't mentally ready to have my first sex that night, or shall we say that minute as she just showed up at my door right out of the door, so yes, all in all, I was unperformed shall we say? Thank god I still know some tricks to please a woman, thanks for all the porn I have been watched along the prior years, so the girl was by and large happy, whoop.

That was close to the end of my college life, hence we hooked up a few times afterwards, and I would say that after the 1st night, we had good sleeping together experiences and I indeed enjoyed it, plus she was even as proactive as me towards this, not much to complain about it really.

Woody Allen said 'Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions', well, I guess truly indeed, as after my first time, the question raised by my sexuality then has never stopped pounding into my life and insert a giant question mark in my life for years.

Well, btw am watching the Olympic closing ceremony now, what the heck are the Indian dancing with Eric Idle, it is just not right watching this while recalling my first sex, change the song and dance please?

Stories continue ...