Celebrating seasons

I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.

                                       - F. Scott Fitzgerald

This is it. Times flies like rains in Spring, when you hear the rustling and are just about to embrace it, it shies away. The next thing you know, bang, they are lighting up the Tree again. 

At the tail of the year, it seems unavoidable to be reflective on the past 300ish days. The BBC is showing all the predominant figures of the year who passed away for the year, repeatedly and tirelessly that made me wonder if it takes extra joy in doing so. 

Oxford dictionary has chosen the word 'selfie' as the word of the year, I was intending to resume the manner to choose a word for my own word of the year, but I failed to come up a magic word can describe my whole year, so after a while thinking I think I would just draw up the classics and borrow the wisdom from Mr.Fitzgerald, hence the prologue.

Precisely as described in the prologue, my year of 2013 was in between the fascination to all kinds of attractions around me but also my natural tendencies of avoiding such: complication has been like an echoing rhythm in my life throughout this year, where I feel that there have been numerous inner battles within myself: for example, the more eastern mind of conservative and family centred tradition and the more western mind of embracing mind freedom and self accepting has been a keynote to dominate my romanic relationship life.  

This year I had brief stories with handful guys and no girls so far, nevertheless none of them are proper dates, apart from one which was a tragic fail.  It was with an Aussie opera singer who had authentic deep bass voice who speaks as if water drops from the cleanest and clearest mineral spring hidden in a remote forest, listening to it can bring to me freshness. He came across as a perfect young gentleman and a rare find among now the noise world filled with commodity fetishism. He was well presented, attired in a black casual suit with every inch of neatness on it, patent leather shoes and a Fedora hat has been the signature of him as it magically brought out the man in him: Decent, slightly a bit of english Old Schooled but also with a slice of frivolous brought probably from 'the Land down under'.  We met in a pub, exchanged conversation with a couple of wine, beer and whiskey until the time got into the way and we parted the way.   The apart had been saddened by the no response from him, however it is an opera singer and a business man, what can I expect? The common interests between us hardly filled any time when we were together at the pub, the excessive drinks did.

I also came across two boys who I truly felt sorry for them, one was M and another was another boy named T (Not the T as in my previous blog). They were both at their early 20s and had no clue of their future heads and was struggling between rents and getting a job to serve at the bar.  I felt for them because I saw my own mirror in them, if I was in their situation. They were struggling in life, got kicked out from one house to another for falling behind their rents, they cannot secure a proper job for their distorted way of dealing with people and handling a normal office relationship, their family cannot afford the comfort and security, hence they are like canoes drifting on the sea without sight of a beacon. I really feel for them because I know that a difference of their canoes drifting or capsizing on the sea was a matter of storm, and what is sad to me is all we know that the storm will come. The main reason I was empathetic with them is down to the key reason that we, me, M and T all share the same loneliness about life, despite the success of our professional life or our economic conditions. Money cannot buy happiness, friendship or love, I assume it's because the latter ones are too invaluable to be measured by any monetary forms.   I can only sincerely hope that M and T can get better ahead in the new year and grow into a more mature person with more confidence and better condition to handle their life more smoothly and find happiness.

Well, feeling that it is enough to write up for now, time to finish up. New year wishes, as tacky as it is.  After a year exploring into my side with guys, with little successful stories to tell, I was frustrated, in a sense, and eastern side of me is going to, I predict, lose to the western side of me, so I will open up further up in the new year 2014 to start to learn to accept myself and start properly set up a few dates and see how the new year will take me to. It is bold but I think I am getting closer and closer to embrace the true side of myself, and I think it should be good, as at least it worth trying while I am young.

Best of luck in the new year to all my readers who care to read into my blog and share my life journey along the way. :)

We leave the station barely moving
And slowly begin to accelerate
So we raise our glasses for a last time
I don’t remember what we celebrate

And we said our first hello
On the Orient Express
We got plenty of time to kill
And we sang and danced away
On the Orient Express
To the rhythm of the wheels of steel

I can hear them laughing 
In the restaurant
You took me walking down the avenue
So we blow the candles
Make our wishes
How I wonder if they’re ever coming true

And we said our first hello
On the Orient Express
We got plenty of time to kill
And we sang and danced away
On the Orient Express
To the rhythm of the wheels of steel

We’re getting closer to hundred miles an hour
When I saw a figure standing on the rails
I start to panic as the train’s approaching
It’s too late to pull the breaks

And we said our first hello
On the Orient Express
We got plenty of time to kill
And we sang and danced away
On the Orient Express
To the rhythm of the wheels of steel

And we fell in love
On the Orient Express
On this never ending journey home
And we kissed our last goodbye
On the Orient Express
There’s no turning back along the road

Lemongrass midnight

Be yourself.  Everyone else is already taken.

- Oscar Wilde

Approaching midnight now. The world calms down very swiftly as time tickling away on a typical Tuesday workday evening, like a very disciplined boy knowing his bedtime well. To me, this seems like an ideal night: no drunk screamers on the street, and people are rushing out of gym after 20:00 giving me much more space into exercising. The evening was also not be disturbed by any party invitation calls, no emails flooding in, like someone carefully planned this out, or my Internet was cut off? Ohhh, wait, it is actually fine. Phew.

In such a pleasant evening, I could not wait but to throw myself into the swimming for 40 mins which was so refreshing that I think I still smells a bit bleaching from the pool 4 hours ago, such a shame that people can create all kinds of perfume or fragrance for so many things and into so many products but they seems quite forgetful to add a bit 'smell of Ocean' into any swimming pool water, so I have regular Bleaching smelling, 3 times a 

week.

The last couple of months had been absolutely hectic times, I was like a moth flying in and out of frustration, excitements and happiness. But all in all, things are looking up and bright, which at least comforting to me. Finally decide to leave a moment to myself tonight before slipping into my dream to write up something here.

Recently personal life has been a very empty page to me, despite loads loads of messages receiving on various apps and handful messages exchanged with some people. High 6 drive turned into gym efforts successfully, which in return contributed to the more and more solid physique that I am going to be very proud of in the next couple of months. It caught me a bit surprise, however I believe it is a good thing that I gradually stepped away from the g@y dating apps, as I started to lose interest in pointless greetings and rarely I could really find anyone who can really caught my attention. Increasing felt that the little profile page of these dating apps is really like a marketing tool and if so, many people just failed tragically in doing so. Speedy and instant hook up really is not my thing these days, as my days at work and night in gym have already exhausted my energy, plus my hands are so handy so really there is not much space for something extra. Having said this, I came into a surprise encounter with a guy on an app who I met in a business occasion in real life. Let us call him 'S' for now.

The first time I saw S was in a business networking event where I was looking for the venue and he was standing outside the venue with this friend. He and his strong solid big muscly arms. The first glance at him made me think that I wish I knew how to train to get those arms done, while walking towards him to interpose into their conversation to ask for clarification about the venue location. He clearly paused and answered my question and jumped straight back into his chat with his mate. During the network events, somehow I was sitting next to him briefly and we had a brief chat again, and my vague memory told me that we shook hands twice, first time as normal social greeting, and I guess my little inner lust jumped out and created the second leaving handshake myself. I really fancied the two strong big arms and bulging biceps, either as an physical attraction but also from a normal person who is in training to get into solid shape.  One night I opened a dating app briefly, and received a message from a profile photo of solid chest and strong upper body without a head, and after a brief 'hi', a headshot came back, and I instantly smiled and laughed, it was a photo of S's head on my phone screen with a gentle smile and posed like a formal ID pass or office shot.  What a nice coincidence and I then noticed that he was living just around 350 meters away from me. My first instinct was that 'is him using the same gym as mine? Could we become gym buddy so I can learn from his training to get the same strong arms?'. Well, of course I followed up on the conversation, and I found out that we had many similar experiences, career wise, and he was interviewing with some top consulting firms and investment banks which I had some bizarre failures and proud victories to share with him, and we were also in similar professional background and we even shared one major sports in common. So smooth chatting along the way so I decided to let him know that I met him before chatting on the app without reminding him too much about our meeting, and clearly I did not leave a strong impression back then, so he could not really figure out who I was, but he did not get to the bottom of it, which was good for me as I am not sure how I would handle this 'new neighbour' 'relationship', so for example, if I did not meet him on dating app, then I ran into him on the street nearby then I would say 'Hi', since it was a good chatting with him at the business event. However now since we chatted on a g@y dating app, then should I say 'Hi' or not when seeing each other on the street? Probably not, because somehow I would feel wired, like I was shouting on the street to scream: I wanna do you and your arms. It is just like coming from from swimming pool with smelling of bleach on me, coming off a dating app to reality would make most meet ups with people somehow comes off a bit 6sual, no matter what the original genuine intentions are. 

So me and S kept exchanging messages not only on the app, but also with texts, on things that we felt commonly interested in. The whole situation still sits in the comfort zone that I knew him but he does not really remember who I am. I occasionally would think about meeting him in person and what would things like, but I guess I do not really have strong drive to meet him as well, since our last encounter did not leave a mark on his side, I doubt any meeting offline would be a good idea. To be honest, to pair up with him in gym training was actually weigh much more than wanting something extra from S. So I guess there will not be further stories to tell between me and S, he is just a sexy young man with sexy biceps who exchanges social messages with a stranger from time to time on the phone. 

Speaking here, it reminds me that in last of months, I also met a senior banker who discovered his sexualities in mid-40s and a young decent opera singer who is settling down in London. However the stories are to be told for another night. Now it is time to call it a day.

By the by, I quoted Oscar Wilde at the beginning as a response to the brave come out message from Tom Daley and that is also a message I want to tell to myself. I am not a massive fan of Tom or not even a supporter or such, however I think it is a courageous move for him to be honest with his choice and not afraid to step up to what he believes in. From this boy, I think that I should really learn from him to be more open and to embrace the freedom comes after it. However, it is always easier to be said than done. 

Lemongrass midnight? Nothing special, simply put a steamer on with lemongrass essential oil, then you can have one too, in an unnoisy Tuesday evening or at the tail of the sunset of Sunday, highly recommended. :)

Good night.

The Kiss

      A man's kiss is his signature.

- Mae West

Well, it just happened.

Had been extremely busy these days at work so I rarely had much time to meet or date any guys or girls over the last couple of weeks, 1 month or 2 really. However I did not make a fuss about it, or shall I say I hardly paid attention to my dating life as am 110% absorbed by my working time, in a fulfilling and happy way, guest it won’t be far away before am turning into a workaholic.

Also, after a couple of months’ physical training I started to feel the real difference in the attitude of the mass singles community, and I would like to announce to the world about the discovery of strong correlation between the size of my bulging biceps and the messages and hittings I got both online (mostly from guys) and offline (from both guys and girls). When one day you found out 40 messages on your mobile app at the end of a day, then you do not need to lift your shirt to see your 6 pack to know you are on the right route.

After a busy Sunday afternoon, I decided to make a move to join some of my mates for a few chilling drinks at the riverbank, take advantage of last times of loud summer days. On my way to the meeting venue, I also multi-tasking myself into a quick review of online messages I had received over the course of the day, and saw that a guy from European who seemed friendly started a conversation with me a couple of weeks ago, and I decided to reply to him, as a courtesy to his friendly message.

Interestingly, his friendly manner drew my attention, and we exchanged more messages on the train and then he raised the idea of meeting up, then I agreed. So after a few drinks and great laughs, I was on my way to West End.

Although I was on time, he was already standing in front of the door of a pub, and we recognized each other 7/8 meters away, where he gave me a nice warm smile. This was lucky so that we would be able to skip the awkward ‘Are you XXX part of the conversation and smoothly move into the decision of where to go for drinks, and we decided to go into the pub, to start with. To the drunkards who seated right next to the door, we seemed like a old couple of friends who just met for drinks, we handled it so natural and smooth, which skills I guess Druug deals must be jealous of us.

I had to say he, let’s call him T then, who made a nice first impression. Decent dress, neat hair-cut and well-behaved manner, normally what I expect for a first meet-up with someone fairly unknown. As long as these qualities are shown, you know that you would end up at least a peaceful night without any drama, which definitely necessary for my Sunday eves. If the person score more points for other qualities, then bonus, which I luckily got one later that night.

So a pint or two kicked off the conversation nicely, from which we both established our basic backgrounds etc. He is currently with a University, I guess that is where the friendly manner was developed. I cannot recall what exactly we had discussed about, but I just remembered the conversation was pleasant and well-maintained, and we were exploring each other’s interests, and found out that we share one common sport interests, although which am still under training every week while he had given up for a couple of years. But still, it kept the conversation going.

After a few drinks, we both felt that a few more drinks would be helpful to carry on our talks, and the crowded pub started to get more empty as people leaving the venue, so we moved on to another pub which I went once, and it was great. We found 2 seats by the bar, and had a great talk there, this time topic was getting slightly deeper, where we were exploring each other’s life a bit more, so I knew that he had a boyfriend for 3 years or so before his boyfriend decided not to come out to anyone which meant that the relationship was ended since it was not going where. I remembered that, probably under the influence of drinks, I made a quite a speech about how I would just come out once I met the right person, if it is a guy, and would not give in to any other factors such as friends and family, since at the end of the day, am living my own life. Well, I believe when I said that I did mean it, and also it must be the first time I was saying it firmly in front of someone, before that I did not even speak to myself about that. 1^st surprise of the night.

Our conversation was carried away with the loud fizzy crowd, music and laughs went around us, and even after the barman stroke the bell twice to call for an end to the night desperately, we were high on our talks, so once the broad lights turned on and the barman called the end of the night, we decided to move to another place where the night just began. So we went to a nearby bar and club.

We were standing at the edge of the bar, where the barman cared least, and having our heated conversation, our laughs got louder and louder as the empty bottoms piled up on our side, and we were also getting closer to each other, and unsurprisingly, he moved his mouth over. Well, normally I do not kiss anyone I do not know well enough, and I rarely kiss guys, if I did, most of them were just lips basis and rarely need the help of my mouth and tongue. I guess this was mainly because 1) I haven’t felt strongly enough to kiss the man and 2) I tried to keep away from any Unpleasant germs out there, as after all, only God knows where had those mouths had been, and still put my health as top priority over potential pleasure comes with risks. I am a risk taker, but normally only take them only when its worth it.

So anyway, back to the kiss. As I replied to T’s message as a courtesy, I welcomed the kiss from T with a courtesy response. However, this clearly was not what he expected, so right after our 1^st Kiss he returned to my lips at a lightening speed, which surprisingly to me, I took it fully. So we had a great nice passionate kiss that after we had it, I said nothing but ‘wow’. I kissed a guy, and I had to say the first time I actually enjoyed the feeling. Maybe that was because of the drinks, maybe that was because of T, I am still unsure about the reason why, but I just knew that it was good, damned good. T clearly agreed so, so he was more and more active that he got his arms around my waist to bring out chest closely together, and our tongues clearly had met already so no introduction needed anymore, they found each perfectly well and seemed to not be able to get rid of each other, for the rest of the night. So yes, we were just kissing and kissing there at the end of the bar, passionately as if nobody was around. And we moved to the side of the dance floor, and I remembered that my back was against the wall and just relaxed to the music and enjoyed the sensations sent from my mouth. Alcohol, dance music, shaking dance floor, nothing beat that kiss that we had.

Sadly because it was Sunday, I had to come back to sense at some point that I had to leave for home, to ensure that I won’t be eyes dropping on my Monday morning meetings or accidentally yawned at some point. We went out to the corner of the street that where we found out we needed to head to different direction, and at the sad goodbye time, T gave me a great yet confusing complement to myself by saying that I was a great kisser. That would never occur to me that I would be crowned with that title, at least not that soon, with guys especially, considering how inexperienced I am with guys. However I had no problem to admit that I delivered it to a professional experienced level tonight, somehow, that I guess I was just at the right time and met the right person.

So as a finish of the great night, as a smirk emerged on T’s face, our mouth fell together at the very end of the night right in front of a Rickshaw man, who must be also secretly hope that we would have the craziest and most addictive there that so we would mentally messed up to take his Rickshaw to home.

So, I kissed a boy. And for the first time in my life, I enjoyed it, a lot.

The text written in mid -Septemter 2013 posted today12/Nov/2013

Young and Beautiful

                      Will you still love me, When i'm no longer young and beautiful?
                      Will you still love me, When i've got nothing but my aching soul?
                                                         ---  'Young and Beautiful' by Lana Del Rey

For the sake of work, I have been surrounded by people who falls out of my age group. Wait a second, that is wrong, should be people who falls out of my generation or my recent generations. People I worked or working with have all seem to be lucky to have found their life partners. Most of them are blessed to be well-heeled enough to centre their complaints constantly on holiday destinations' weathers or how unfair the public school start to request their precious princes or princesses remain in their current uniform in such 'hot and unbearable' weather. 

Of course, there are also some not so lucky ones who are still in the drama of marriage or their relationships with their partners. They occasionally would like to spare some of their unused parenting love to me by giving the advice to urge me to 'live it to full when you are young' or 'do whatever you want while you are young' or such. After giving the precious advice, there would normally followed by a long gaze at me, from which I can sense a mix of regrets, a bit of jealous, and might be some voices from them pounding themselves 'what the hell I was doing when I was young'. 

Well, as in the early 20s, I find myself taking this pierce of gold advice in a mix of feelings as well. To start with, I know that how good it is to be young, as if the world is in your hand at your service and you can play it as a game as wild as you could and F*** it up every single way you like to. Recently at a restaurant at central London where the waiter put me and my friend to a table where a pair of strangers were at. They claimed to be a pair of uncle and nephew, which my gut feeling told me that they were a pimp and an escort (do not ask me why, but to give a bit taste, they spoke to each in English with different strong accents). At the table, we were barely looking into each other until a comment came out from nowhere 'you are not a real vegetarian when you are partying and having 6 every single day, you had much more meat than I ever had'. When I heard this, I, obviously, nearly had a rib fallen out of my mouth, but I immediately wanted to congratulate the nephew for 1) having a seemed satisfactory and fulfilling sex life 2) a big thank you for sharing this moving and exciting news to us two strangers at dinner and 3) by enjoying meat on a daily basis, I hope he realised now how pointless of being a vegetarian was. After the eye opener comment, the conversations broke out naturally between us and them, guess no harm to have a few words more since we had already passed 'how's your sex life' greetings. At that table, however, I was the one who had a mix feeling of regret and jealous to the nephew as he is living a life at my age that I dare not to, he is young and beautiful, and he is partying and getting laid everyday, he has it all.

I could have it all as well. So why the hell am not doing it. There are many reasons why, but one of the reasons might be I guess am waiting for an opportunity to play it wilder. I guess I do not want to just settle for some mundane parties but aiming for proper sprees after achieving something, something nice, meaningful, satisfactory and worth celebration. Maybe. But if that does not happen, does it mean that I then lost all my chances to have fun when I could? Oh, let's stay away from that question...

Couple of months ago I had been getting to know a boy of my age who, according to him, was an orphan and had been bouncing between adopting families. I believed that, so I felt very sorry for him (however I do have a little bit doubt of his story). We met over an mobile app and started chatting for a few weeks as we share many common interests. Then we moved on to pub, and after a few drinks I even took him to join me at a after-work drinks with some of my mates from university. We had one or two intimate occasions after a few nights out with other people partying and clubbing, and he has been having the 'have it all' lifestyle. The lifestyle that I have green eyes for but also the lifestyle I have great concern to live on. The reason? His cute faces, however, always remind me the song 'Young and Beautiful', reminding me that while it is great to have fun along the way, there are also things deserves to be in patience waiting for: a person who will love you when you are no longer young and beautiful, and when you got nothing but your aching soul.

Well, I guess am just self-comforting for losing what I could have. I may turn out to be an completely idiot in doing so, time will tell me in 10 years. Not a big deal anyway, at most I would just be joining the club of those who are giving advices to youngsters with regrets and jealous, so what, it seems that I won't be feeling lonely in that club anyway. Aha.

Nighty night.

The Bilinearity of love

'You mean the big lighting bolt to the heart......the reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to seek nylon.'

------- Donald Draper, fictional character of Man Man

It is always good to begin with a disclaimer that this blog post is bounded to have loads spelling mistakes because, ehhhh, I just had a big cup of caramel Frappuccino so am both in sugar rush and my bladder is about to explode, and because am writing this on my tablet which spell check practically does not work.

Recently life has been so busy all of sudden, all kinds of stuff in hands that made me spinning around the clock.  There were some delights for the past month but did not seem to go the way I would expect. However now I have made myself getting to a regular gym goers now, and by regular, I meant 6 times week, and am very pleased with the results so far, and in another month or two I believe I will have my pound body back again.

Having a great body is so important to me as it instantly improves my confidence, both in a general sense as body gives me strength but also in a sexual sense which can improve my sexual attractiveness. Also I find going to gym really help improve my energy level and it is just do refreshing after exercises, it makes you feel new and ready for whatever next.

Recently, because of a busy busy schedule, hence did not have the time to meet anyone,either boy or girl, pretty much stayed in the texting stage with one or two guys just chatting, which was nice.   Went out another night with bunch of mates and there was a guy who is a friend of my friend, and had a crush on him when hitting the club, nice body, tall, big chest and big muscle, broad shaders and great smile, what's not to like. I had also changed my profile pic on some iPhone apps for gay/bi guys which was my gym body shot, and boi, messages just started flooded in like hell makes you wonder whether you are a horny wolf zone.    I also started to notice a guy in my gym as well, he asked me once something random like 'do you wanna share this machine' or such and we pretty much recognise each others' face. But he is very nice, very low key but indepent guy in my age, similar height to me, nice firm muscle and cute. We always go to gym at pretty much the same time range hence from time to time would run into each other, we dont say hello to each other but I kinda feel that he set eyes on me and I did the same on him.   Not sure which side he is with, but would actually be great to have him on board as a gym buddy as seems we are sharing same fitness level and features. Yes I do have a minor crush on him but hey, it is a gym, when comes down to Gym, I mean 'serious business', oops, serious fitness, no checking on out guys or girls, just sort out my 6 pack and go.   

Anyway I found this blog post very ramdon, but to be honest when sitting in a Starbucks and carrying a full bladder, you can't blame me for writing above. What I intend to write was I am wondering when I will be in love, and I can actually feel or taste love so I would know what it is like. Up to now it seems a very remote destination so guess just have to take a number and wait?

What if it really is like what Donald said? Then what am queuing for?

Me & 'Principles' - How long can We stand alone together?

It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.

--------Alex Karras

Well , here we go, a new yeear 2013, apart from a new number being flipped over, I did not see big changes in life so far, despite the wishes I made on New Year day, as the passed every new years.

Very recently I met someone and that really left me pondering over myself and my so-called 'principles'. To start with, I have to point out that there had been a big misfortunate event happened to one of my beloved ones, so I was in a vunlerable situation for the past few weeks, or shall I say I was in shock, I am not sure even now. I was normal at work and during business, but I was quite vunlerable that time as it was not something you can just share with anyone.

I was not thinking on one working day, just felt a need to reach out to someone, so I went on an App and sent a ramdom message to a guy D, he was around late 30s, nice buzz cut head, athletic body and clean and decent profile lines. If you want to know how he looks, it is fairly reasonable to say I think he's quite similar to Scofield at Prison Break,same haircut, same beautiful eyes but D has bigger eyes, more athletic and mascular body and at my height. The conversation with him was pleasant, he was polite, humble and sensible. So I decided to visit him on a late workday night.

On my way to his flat, he was prompt on text messages and seemed like a man with integrity. So before my minds putting everything/thoughts together, my taxi pulled over at his street. I heared the door was unlocking while I was walking towards his house so it was a quite straight forward face-to-face meeting as soon as I emerged my face passing by a line of cedar trees. He gave me a sweet but not big smile and I gave him a firm handshake. It was awkward though, just like he was thinking about shagging me while smiling and I was either unintentially/intentionally giving him a business handshake that made me feel like I was meeting a client at work, which was the last thing I wanted to think of or be reminded by at that very moment. His housemates were all gathered in the Kitchen and were laughing/chatting loudly and he took me straight upstairs to his room, wearing his Superdry casual sporty pants.

We went into his room, and just after I have put down my coat and bag, he had already been around my waist, and he was passinate, mature and sexually attractive. I felt his 'Big' through the cutton superdry pants that it deserved the description. So soon we were both on his bed. He wanted me to s*ck and I asked him to put a con, and he just reached out to one and put it on, no complaining and no whining. It was the first C that ever went into my mouth and when I told him that, he seemed glad and a bit surprise of course. Well to be honest, I was as surprise as him, as I wasn't planning to do this, but I know my 'principles' if I was gonna do that, I would want a Con on to protect myself from whatever any 'delightful' things out there. 

Then we were exploring each other, to my surprise, we kissed, and I didnt resist that. Up to date, the man I kissed and had fun with can be counted by fingers of just one hand, even after you cut half of the fingers of that one hand off. (So yes am slutty online but am a stupid self-restrained idiot in life, just sad).  The only man I had ever kissed was a guy I know for a reasonable long time and had been in constant exchange of messages and chats and eventually we kissed, and normally I would resist kisses from strangers but guess this time I just got carried away. I, ehhhh, maybe shouldn't say it here, but anyway, I, Love, This, Man. I mean it. When he was in front of me, we our body were together, when his smell was in the air around me, I felt affection. So we did not have any real 6 but we just exploring, kissing, playing with each others' men nibbles on chest, and eventually I w@nked him off while biting his giant men' nibbles on chest.

He seemed to be happy, and time was late, so I was staying at his on this giant bed. He put his under on and slept on his side arm while I put my arms around him, and we were chatting a bit. I was joking with him how comes we did not do it at the end but just exploring, he said he felt that I was not ready to have 6 yet. I have to say he's accurate on this, I may go to strangers' but it did not mean that I was up to anything wild. And we were talking about my life, he was very kind to point out that I do not have any friends in life know am Bi was not anything unusual, and said that it was just I have another side of myself. I like this comment, and I think it is indeed my life. One side I do wish I have a gay/bi friend in life but on other hand I did not do anything for it. Then the topic switches to footballs and apparently he is a fan which we talked for a while, then he took off his under, it was my turn to sleep on my left hand side while his arms are around my arm/waist and his mr.Soft Big was against my bubble but, I have to say am a strong man in life and I am not camp, but for that moment, since I was vunlerable, I felt securied, comfortable and affection. Then we went to sleep, a deep nice one until damn alarm set off, that draw me back into reality.

We had one little 'interlude' the morning after, when he woke up we engaged in a cuddling where Mr.Soft Big was not soft anymore and apparently he wanted me to s@ck it off but without a Con thanks to my stupid principles, my mind gave up to my brain and he was disappinted and lied down to sleep a bit before getting up again with me.

Okay, enough rambling, can't believe that I lost my track and writing unlogiclly here for so long about this, time to back to senses.

I felt strongly on this encounter because 1) I started to have self-doubts on my stupid 'principles' that was keeping me away from Gay Scene and also from engaging in any 'misbehaviours' that might give me any STIs, they are good principles that can keep me absolutely clean, however on the other hand I know theres another myself inside my mind screaming to myself to 'Let go and and let loose' just for once to enjoy a life.

Secondly, I felt my heart has a hole the day I returned from D's house to my own flat, as I know am back into my reality again where no matter how many laughs I made that day, how happy I was showing, how my positivity I gathered, how tough or aggresive I was in my career, I am still inside deeper, an insecured man that can just felt safeness and calmness while lying in D's arm.

I think if I told D that he must freak out lol, to be honest if someone told me above I would think I met a wiredo if not a Psycho who wants love from just a casual fling. Facts are that I was a very casual fling or even a failed fling that out of hundreds guys he had met so far where he failed to have certain pleasures, while to me I felt love affection and secured. It is just amazing that how two indivdual human being can touch different grounds from the same experience.

Enough self-pity, time to have a cigeratte and pack up to gym. I have no other ways to get out my frustration and confusing feelings on my muscles and abs, they are the only things that I can have control of.

Hope 2013 will be a great year. Thanks D, hope to see you soon and be a friend with you in real life.

Sadness