It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.
Well , here we go, a new yeear 2013, apart from a new number being flipped over, I did not see big changes in life so far, despite the wishes I made on New Year day, as the passed every new years.
Very recently I met someone and that really left me pondering over myself and my so-called 'principles'. To start with, I have to point out that there had been a big misfortunate event happened to one of my beloved ones, so I was in a vunlerable situation for the past few weeks, or shall I say I was in shock, I am not sure even now. I was normal at work and during business, but I was quite vunlerable that time as it was not something you can just share with anyone.
I was not thinking on one working day, just felt a need to reach out to someone, so I went on an App and sent a ramdom message to a guy D, he was around late 30s, nice buzz cut head, athletic body and clean and decent profile lines. If you want to know how he looks, it is fairly reasonable to say I think he's quite similar to Scofield at Prison Break,same haircut, same beautiful eyes but D has bigger eyes, more athletic and mascular body and at my height. The conversation with him was pleasant, he was polite, humble and sensible. So I decided to visit him on a late workday night.
On my way to his flat, he was prompt on text messages and seemed like a man with integrity. So before my minds putting everything/thoughts together, my taxi pulled over at his street. I heared the door was unlocking while I was walking towards his house so it was a quite straight forward face-to-face meeting as soon as I emerged my face passing by a line of cedar trees. He gave me a sweet but not big smile and I gave him a firm handshake. It was awkward though, just like he was thinking about shagging me while smiling and I was either unintentially/intentionally giving him a business handshake that made me feel like I was meeting a client at work, which was the last thing I wanted to think of or be reminded by at that very moment. His housemates were all gathered in the Kitchen and were laughing/chatting loudly and he took me straight upstairs to his room, wearing his Superdry casual sporty pants.
We went into his room, and just after I have put down my coat and bag, he had already been around my waist, and he was passinate, mature and sexually attractive. I felt his 'Big' through the cutton superdry pants that it deserved the description. So soon we were both on his bed. He wanted me to s*ck and I asked him to put a con, and he just reached out to one and put it on, no complaining and no whining. It was the first C that ever went into my mouth and when I told him that, he seemed glad and a bit surprise of course. Well to be honest, I was as surprise as him, as I wasn't planning to do this, but I know my 'principles' if I was gonna do that, I would want a Con on to protect myself from whatever any 'delightful' things out there.
Then we were exploring each other, to my surprise, we kissed, and I didnt resist that. Up to date, the man I kissed and had fun with can be counted by fingers of just one hand, even after you cut half of the fingers of that one hand off. (So yes am slutty online but am a stupid self-restrained idiot in life, just sad). The only man I had ever kissed was a guy I know for a reasonable long time and had been in constant exchange of messages and chats and eventually we kissed, and normally I would resist kisses from strangers but guess this time I just got carried away. I, ehhhh, maybe shouldn't say it here, but anyway, I, Love, This, Man. I mean it. When he was in front of me, we our body were together, when his smell was in the air around me, I felt affection. So we did not have any real 6 but we just exploring, kissing, playing with each others' men nibbles on chest, and eventually I w@nked him off while biting his giant men' nibbles on chest.
He seemed to be happy, and time was late, so I was staying at his on this giant bed. He put his under on and slept on his side arm while I put my arms around him, and we were chatting a bit. I was joking with him how comes we did not do it at the end but just exploring, he said he felt that I was not ready to have 6 yet. I have to say he's accurate on this, I may go to strangers' but it did not mean that I was up to anything wild. And we were talking about my life, he was very kind to point out that I do not have any friends in life know am Bi was not anything unusual, and said that it was just I have another side of myself. I like this comment, and I think it is indeed my life. One side I do wish I have a gay/bi friend in life but on other hand I did not do anything for it. Then the topic switches to footballs and apparently he is a fan which we talked for a while, then he took off his under, it was my turn to sleep on my left hand side while his arms are around my arm/waist and his mr.Soft Big was against my bubble but, I have to say am a strong man in life and I am not camp, but for that moment, since I was vunlerable, I felt securied, comfortable and affection. Then we went to sleep, a deep nice one until damn alarm set off, that draw me back into reality.
We had one little 'interlude' the morning after, when he woke up we engaged in a cuddling where Mr.Soft Big was not soft anymore and apparently he wanted me to s@ck it off but without a Con thanks to my stupid principles, my mind gave up to my brain and he was disappinted and lied down to sleep a bit before getting up again with me.
Okay, enough rambling, can't believe that I lost my track and writing unlogiclly here for so long about this, time to back to senses.
I felt strongly on this encounter because 1) I started to have self-doubts on my stupid 'principles' that was keeping me away from Gay Scene and also from engaging in any 'misbehaviours' that might give me any STIs, they are good principles that can keep me absolutely clean, however on the other hand I know theres another myself inside my mind screaming to myself to 'Let go and and let loose' just for once to enjoy a life.
Secondly, I felt my heart has a hole the day I returned from D's house to my own flat, as I know am back into my reality again where no matter how many laughs I made that day, how happy I was showing, how my positivity I gathered, how tough or aggresive I was in my career, I am still inside deeper, an insecured man that can just felt safeness and calmness while lying in D's arm.
I think if I told D that he must freak out lol, to be honest if someone told me above I would think I met a wiredo if not a Psycho who wants love from just a casual fling. Facts are that I was a very casual fling or even a failed fling that out of hundreds guys he had met so far where he failed to have certain pleasures, while to me I felt love affection and secured. It is just amazing that how two indivdual human being can touch different grounds from the same experience.
Enough self-pity, time to have a cigeratte and pack up to gym. I have no other ways to get out my frustration and confusing feelings on my muscles and abs, they are the only things that I can have control of.
Hope 2013 will be a great year. Thanks D, hope to see you soon and be a friend with you in real life.